We married in Canada on Thanksgiving Day!

Click here for our most recent newsletter.

We celebrated Thanksgiving differently than we ever have before...we drove 5 minutes over the border into Canada from our home in Blaine, WA, and were legally married!

We were initially legally married in McMinnville, OR, by Baptist Minister, Rev. Bernie Turner, on March 7, 2004. At that time, we had already planned our spiritual wedding ceremony for July 31st, 2004.(we were married by Rev. Dr. Lisa Davison, professor of Old Testament at Lexington Theological Seminary and Rev. Dr. Bill Stayton, Executive Director of the Center for Spirituality and Sexuality). When Oregon extended marriage equality to same-gender couples, however, we seized the day. Click here for our story leading up to and including these events.

Unfortunately, in November 2004, the state of Oregon changed their constitution, which had always read that "marriage is between two consenting adults", to "marriage is between one man and one woman." They made the amendment to the constitution retroactive, so in April 2005, we received a letter from Multnomah County that said, "Your marriage is null and void." Along with that letter came a refund check for $60, the cost of our marriage license. Even though they took away our legal status, we were still married because our spiritual wedding is one half of the two part marriage equation choice in our country. (legal license and/or spiritual wedding ceremony).

We had high hopes and really felt confident that we would be coming back home from our year-long journey throughout America, and be able to marry legally in Washington. This is important because of how it affects us relative to our home, hospital visits, and the 1100+ legal rights we are unable to have. (Because our constitution offers the wonderful law of the separation of church and state, religious institutions are not impacted by a civil marriage license). Unfortunately, on July 26th, the Washington State Supreme Court upheld the ban on marriage equality (that would include us) with a 5-4 vote. After this disappointing ruling, we decided to go ahead with our original plans from July 2004, and cross the border into Canada to be legally wed.

With Thanksgiving being our favorite holiday, and with so much to be thankful for, we couldn't think of a better day than to get married again!

Unlike our spiritual wedding on July 31, 2004, this one in Canada was small. Our good fortune was not only that we could be legally wed, but that our close friends, Robert & Kathy Reim (State PFLAG Chair, and Christian parents of a lesbian daughter whose wedding Dotti officiated in July) from Sedro-Woolley, WA, had planned several months ago to "get-away" for Thanksgiving, so they had reservations for a hotel in Vancouver, and plans for a special dinner out. When we found out they were going to be in Canada for Thanksgiving, and they found out that we were going to be married in Canada on Thanksgiving, we were all ecstatic! Robert and Kathy were honored and happy to stand with us as our witnesses, and we were touched and delighted by their loving presence. We also had two other good friends, Anne Adkins and her 15 year old daughter, Kendra (who took pics)join us, for a grand total of four guests, one marriage commissioner, Rylee Joy (our standard poodle) and the two of us. Rylee missed out on our previous two weddings, so she insisted on being the ring bearer for this one! And she did a beautiful job, sporting a rainbow scarf and a rainbow beaded necklace with a little pouch that contained our wedding rings. She even helped Robynne open the pouch when it came time for the ring exchange. It couldn't have been more delightful.

Click here for pic of wedding party.

Click here for pic of Rylee Joy with rings.

Click here for pic of me and Roby.

After the ceremony, Robert and Kathy treated us to a lovely dinner at Sam's Cafe, on the waterfront in White Rock, Canada. We love the spirit and kindness of the owners, Hal & Barbara. When we arrived at Sam's, Hal wasn't there, but his wife, Barbara was. She escorted us to "our" table, which was beautifully decorated with a white linen table cloth, candles, confetti, a dozen gorgeous deep pink roses, and a "Congratulations on your wedding" helium balloon. In addition, they had the most beautiful love songs playing softly in the background.

After Barbara got us settled at our table, she said, "Hal's not here... he'll be back in a few minutes... he had to go home and change his clothes, because he was running around getting your balloon, and picking out your roses. He wanted to make it so perfect for you!" When Hal did arrive, he came over, hugged us and said, "I knew just what color roses I wanted for you, and I picked them out special just for you!" The picture below has us with Hal, and Robert and Kathy.

Click here for pic at restaurant.

At the end of our meal, we were interviewed by radiogay.ca, sharing about our marriage in Canada. The interview was supposed to be at 7:30 (PST). Unfortunately, for some reason, the call went to our voice mail instead of ringing. Thank goodness Tim and Herman persevered and tracked us down by calling the restaurant! Because of that, our interview was a little shorter than orgianlly planned. We just received this note from Tim Chisholm, Co-Creative Program Director and Producer: "Your interview can be heard in a rebroadcast of UNGLUED! this Sunday, Nov. 26th from 12 noon to 2pm (PST). Your interview is in the last half hour segment of the show; roughly 1:35pm or so." You can click here to listen. We will be meeting face-to-face soon with Tim to discuss the possibly of working together in the future. Stay tuned!

Tim also let us know that they will be interviewing Lars Clausen this coming Tuesday evening (Nov, 28th)around 6:40 pm(PST)during their Tuesday Tickle Crew show. Lars is the Lutheran minister whose journey, Straight Into Gay America, was a catalyst for ours. Go to radiogay.ca and check out Lars!

Interestingly, our neighbors, Brad and Dinah, (who were one of several neighbor couples who cared for our home while we were on our journey), married in Canada in September. The difference between our marriage and theirs is that when they crossed back over the border into the U.S., their marriage is still legally recognized. Ours is not. The U.S. and Canada have a reciprocal agreement. So what's the difference? Canada honors ALL marriages, but the U.S. has refused to do the same, now that Canada offers marriage equality for same gender couples. On the radio show, we also talked about our year long journey GayIntoStraightAmerica that began on September 11, 2005. Our intention was to engage hearts and minds, create authentic connections, and dissolve differences that separate us as we talked with people who are "wrestling" with their understanding regarding people's sexual orientation and gender variance.

So... although we did not have turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, cranberries and pie, or gather with family, we did have the most wonderful day. It was truly a Thanksgiving we'll never forget... celebrating love & friendships, renewing vows of commitment, and enjoying delicious food. It doesn't get much better than this! We are blessed, we are grateful, and we are very happy.

Melodie Beattie's words sum up our holiday perfectly: "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

We hope that Thanksgiving was as meaningful to you as it was to us! Let us know how you spent this special day, and what you are grateful for!

The light in us honors the light in you, Dotti, Robynne, and Rylee Joy Berry-Sapp

We're getting married (legally) in Canada

We are going to legally marry in Canada! When? On Thanksgiving Day, November 23. Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday and a time to express our gratefulness and commitment to our relationship. WHY are we getting married AGAIN...and WHY in Canada? Yes, we have been married twice already. Click here to read our story.

We had orignally planned to marry legally in Canada on July 31, 2004, but Oregon opened up marriage equality for same gender couples, and we seized the moment on March 7, 2004. We then had our spiritual wedding ceremony (one half of the marriage equation). Unfortunately, Oregon voided our legal rights a year later when the Oregon constitution was changed. (our civil marriage in Oregon not give us any in our home state of Washington). We received a $60 refund check. We celebrated that we are still married, and went out to dinner (Roby made a copy of it for historical purposes, realizing that someday people will not believe this could have happened). We use the word "marriage" because we choose to do so. We find it amazing that couples don't use it if they have not had a "legal marriage," (as if they need permission), or quit using "marriage" if they have had a legal marriage that has been voided.

Because half of the marriage equation is not available to those of us in same gender relationships, it does not mean that we are not "married" when we have our spiritual marriage ceremony. Likewise, if someone has a spiritual marriage, but chooses not to have the legal license, it does not mean they are not married. It simply means they are not entitled to the legal rights and protections. In some states, however, the mere fact of living together (whether or not there has been a spiritual marriage) creates a legal marriage after a certain number of years. That we cannot participate in this way (with us living together creating a legal marriage or choosing to participate in the legal civil ceremony) is the crux of the discrimination.

In one of our newsletters in July, we speak about this more extensively.

We have had an unusual situation come up in our search for a marriage commissioner in Canada. Apparently, the United States does not hold a lock on discrimination in this area, but it was certainly surprising to experience with a Canadian marriage commissioner. Click here for the details.

Rylee Joy wasn't at our wedding at Semiahmoo Resort on July 31. When I officiated at the wedding of Rachel Reim and Tammy Ledbetter, Rylee Joy was in attendance as it was in the back yard of the home of Tammy's parents, Kathy & Robert Reim. Ironically, Kathy and Robert are going to be in Canada on Thanksgiving Day, and have agreed to be our two witnesses!

Rylee Joy was a little disappointed that she wasn't asked to be "flower girl" at Rachel and Tammy's wedding. Spending time with her friends, Lauren and Riley, "The Kids" who wrote the beautiful letters to us when we left on our journey, helped ease Rylee Joy's pain! Rylee Joy stayed with Lauren, Riley, Auntie Karen & Uncle Kirk Ghio while The Mama's were in the Northeast for three weeks. When Rylee came home, she was very sad, as she really missed the family and her girlfriend Phi Phi (also a black standard poodle), so she was ecstatic to see them at the wedding rehearsal! Click here to see this picture of Lauren and Rylee Joy!

Rylee Joy insists that she be a part of our marriage ceremony this time in Canada, since she also missed our legal ceremony in Oregon on March 7, 2004. We agree! She will finally be the flower girl!

On Friday, November 17, we will be on The Joe Teehan Show (6-7 p.m. PST). His show, called "The Liberal Outpost" show, is on KGMI 790 AM Radio in Bellingham, WA.

This is the second time we have been interviewed by Joe. We have also been previously interview on Brett & Debbie Show. Their show from 8-9 a.m. on KGMI combines a moderate (Brett) with a conservative (Debbie). We are equal opportunity! Debbie brought her King James version Bible, and at one point during our interview, exclaimed, "I don't know what Bible you are reading from." Before our journey, Gay Into Straight America, we met and engaged with people who don't necessarily agree with us. That's ok. The opportunity we had was to plant a seed, because "who we are" in our lives, as people of faith, presents a different picture to Debbie than who she probably thought we were. That's a good thing. Where Debbie's journey takes her cannot be controlled by either myself of Roby. All we can to is reach out, living out the intention of our wedding vow that emphasizes engaging with an open heart so that we can change the world through the expression of our love.

There is a great documentary called BE REAL that celebrates the rich diversity of gay life in America. On the Stoli BE REAL website, they say..

If you know that special someone whose life story embodies what BE REAL is all about, we encourage you to nominate them (or yourself) to be featured in our next BE REAL project.

Please click here and consider nominating Two Women & a Poodle, Dotti Berry, Robynne Sapp, and Rylee Joy (put Berry-Sapp as the last name since we are legally changing our name after we marry in Canada.) Your support simply means that we can keep getting the message out, encouraging people to STAND UP AND SPEAK OUT, daring to be the gift that we are to our world.

Rylee wrote Lesson #10 for her final one for our Gay Into Straight America journey Click here to read it! We are sooooo proud of her. In fact, she insists that the book about our journey be told from her eyes. Since we know that she was the most authentic connection with people on our journey, we agree with her. The title? Two Women & a Poodle...A year long journey of Life, Love & Authentic Connections with the world's best dog.

We did two podcasts this week...we will edit them and post by the end of the month. They were with Rev. Dr. Bill Stayton, the Executive Director of Religion and Sexuality in Philadelphia, PA. Formerly, Bill was the Department Chair for Human Sexuality at Widener University. His will be a two part podcast, talking in general about sexuality in Part I, in addition to him speaking about "What is a male? What is a female?" In the first part and second part, we also talk about the impact of the situation with Rev. Ted Haggard, former senior minister at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. In our last newsletter, we spoke about that situation as well, with links to various information. Click here to read. Bill also spoke in the second podcast about "Homosexuality and the Bible." The other podcast interview was with speaker and writer, Peggy Campolo. We also spoke about Ted Haggard and Mike Jones, the man who spoke out about the hypocrisy of Rev. Haggard in fighting the recent amendments against marriage equality and benefits for gays. As well, we discussed the variance in the views of her husband, evangelical speaker and author, Tony Campolo. All we need to LOTS OF TIME to now edit and post 8 different interviews. For the three interviews we have posted. click here to listen.

On Saturday, November 4, 2006, we gathered with both Kathy Kiefer and Nan Macy (our documentary filmmakers) for dinner at Nan's home. Sue Lenander, a friend of Nan's from Montanna, joined us, and later wrote after returning home:

"Reflecting on all the peace and wisdom I received on my trip, I thought of what a gift having dinner and a soulful conversation with you both was. The work you have been doing is work of true peacemakers. I also want to say that I went away from our dinner feeling very hopeful about lesbian relationships. Two women who love each other and are willing to "do what it takes" to make that relationship strong is a beautiful thing to see. Progress not perfection. Thanks so much for being vulnerable and sharing who you both are and sharing your adventures with me. Thank you for also giving me a safe place to be vulnerable and share my fears and hopes.

I'd go on the road with you if I could - YOU GIRLS and YOUR POODLE ROCK!!Helen Keller would be proud to know you both too!!! Keep looking for the magic!!"

Click here to see the "poodle ornament" she gave us at dinner. Don't miss the tag and what it says! This poodle is now hanging on a lighted tree that stays us in our bedroom all year long. We have special ornaments on it. It is actually the Christmas tree I gave my grandmother in 1991 when she was almost 95 years old. She died less than a month later in January. This tree was the one thing I wanted. In link to the picture, you can barely see an "ornament" on the tree of me sitting behind her in the bed with the tree behind us. Click here to see an upclose picture of us. She had not had a tree in years when I gave it to her, and big tears rolled down her cheeks as I placed it in the corner of her bedroom where she laid in a hospital bed.

To each of you like Sue, we say "THANK YOU" for your support. Remember, however, that you are on your own road anytime you decide to be by "standing up and speaking out" in your own community, right where you are! That is what we hope to inspire people to do. Helen Keller was once asked, “What would be worst than being blind? She replied, “Having good eyesight and no vision.” Create a vision in your own community. Be like Helen Keller and commit, "I will not refuse to do the 'something' I can do!"

Each journey begins with a bold move, and each bold move is a journey!

Dotti

"I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! I have VALUE!" shouted Howard Beale (Peter Finch) in the movie, Network (1976)

Click here to read my most recent Op/Ed, "I'm a HUMAN BEING. Goddamnit! I have VALUE!"

Thirty years later, why don’t we all act more like we feel our lives have value?

After disclosures involving closeted gay persons such as Congressman Mark Foley and Rev. Ted Haggard, isn’t it time to recognize more than ever the importance of encouraging our community to live authentic lives? Isn’t it time to help our community gain tools for how to do that? Both Oprah and The Advocate recently interviewed former New Jersey governor, Jim McGreevey. He confirms the need for authenticity and honesty in one’s personal life, which he chronicles in his new book, Confession.

As a person who was “out before Ellen was in,” I personally experienced the positive aspects of living an authentic life. More recently, on September 11, 2005, my spouse, Robynne, and I embarked on our year long journey, Gay Into Straight America, and are finally back in the Pacific Northwest at our home in Blaine, WA. Two women and a poodle had the intention of engaging hearts and minds, creating authentic connections, and dissolving differences that separate us with those who wrestle with their understanding of sexual orientation and gender variance.

Conversations with a diverse array of Americans convinced us that a positive societal transformation is close at hand. Interacting with people throughout the United States, we experienced first hand what many people feel about marriage equality, inclusive of same gender couples. The results of recent polls, showing that people are shifting in their understanding and support, were no surprise to us. The Oct. 27-31, 2006 New York Times/CBS News poll found that 55 percent of respondents favored either full marriage equality or civil unions for gay couples. And a Nov. 5-6, 2006 Fox News/Opinion Dynamics poll found that 60 percent favored legal recognition for same-sex couples - 30 percent favoring marriage and 30 percent favoring "a legal partnership similar to but not called marriage." Only 32 percent of likely voters believed that same-sex couples should have no legal recognition.

Since the recent November elections, The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has urged media to examine the diminishing returns of anti-gay ballot initiatives in the context of recent public opinion polls on relationship recognition for lesbian and gay families. In 2004, the vast majority of such anti-gay laws passed with more than 70 percent of the vote. In 2006, more than half of those that passed garnered support of percentages in the 50s.

GLAAD President Neil Giuliano argues that public support for legal recognition and protection of same-sex couples and their families is the direct result of the public dialogue about marriage. "Because of the discussion about marriage, more lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are living openly and honestly. They're talking to people about their lives and sharing their stories in the media. And as a result they are helping to strengthen the kind of understanding that leads to acceptance and respect."

A Harris Interactive poll showing that only 4% of gays and lesbians are out in every situation in their life points out that our community needs to do more. Not truly knowing us illustrates why people are still confused regarding how our lives are impacted by the lack of protective laws afforded others. Rather than allowing a minority to hold us hostage through fear, we need to accept the undeniable power that living our authentic lives offers for creating change in our society.

We can’t stop. Now is the time to embrace a willingness to live authentic lives so that we can engage in more dialogue. Throughout our journey we said, “You can’t hate someone whose story you know.” Since this works both ways, we have to be willing to listen to the stories of others as well. In the process we have the opportunity to bridge the divide. This will allow us to create the next leap in people’s understanding about our lives as gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons.

The recent elections expose the tip of the iceberg of what is available to us when we stand up and speak out. Not addressing how our silence continues to feed the myths will continue to enable us to our own dysfunction. It is time for us to look at what role each of us has played in creating the very environment that we complain about, leave victimhood behind, and make a new and empowering choice!

The light in me honors the light in each of you, dotti

Recent events cause deeper consideration

Click here for our most recent newsletter

Click here for our most recent podcast with Brian McNaught,dubbed the "Godfather of Gay Sensitivity Training," by the New York Times. I trained with him in 1999. He has been an inspiration and role model for me. You can also listen to the entire podcast with Lars Clausen, whose journey, Straight Into Gay America, was one of the catalysts for ours.

Recent events have caused us to consider the deeper issues in our society brought up by what has transpired with Ted Haggard. These deeper issues of "not living authentically" are borne out with the chain of events. Living authentically was the essence of our just completed year-long journey, Gay Into Straight America. We feel sad for him, and all those who have been impacted. His particular situation emphasizes the deeper problem in our society of denying parts of ourself that are not bad or shameful, but that have been taught to be so by some religious teachings. Rather than being empowered with living authentically, an essential component of being human and characteristic of all major faiths, we submerge our true selves (to please others and be who/what they want us to be). Then, we find ourselves speaking one way and behaving another, exposing ourselves by flying the red flag of one who "protests too loudly" in order to navigate away from truth. Our past history reminds us that there is a "Ted Haggard" in each of us.

Moving past the negative energy of judgment, we might look deeper to determine how our own past denials (about anything) might have contributed to the environment in our society where people such as Jim West (former mayor of Spokane who has since died), Jim McGreevey (fromer NJ governor who resigned), Mark Foley (who resigned from Congress), and Ted Haggard, were impacted by the climate we have all been a part of building each time we move further away from living as our authentic selves. How we do help those who have been impacted (on all sides), and help them to begin to heal and live authentic lives such as Jim McGreevey is now doing? True, he, like the others was "forced out," but should that be held against them? Unfortunately, the cost of internal homonegativity, still perpetuated in many ways in society, takes an inner toil against the spirit.

We might consider seeking a compassionate and forgiving stance (while still holding a person to accountability), rather than a judging stance, asking ourselves: "Have I ever had my words and actions not match?" And, "What was beneath the submersion of my authentic self?" The stuffing of our authentic self and not "speaking our truth" often leads to withdrawal of emotions, leading to numbing of self. This, in turn, often leads to inappropriate choices under the circumstances in order to feel relevant in our being. The cover-up and deception then has its own cost and consequences.

We encourage each of us to endeavor to lift up, not tear down, one another. Two Women & a Poodle are finally home, sleeping in our own bed! What a journey it continues to be. Dott Berry, Robynne Sapp, and Rylee Joy)...We look forward to hearing your comments ... GayIntoStraightAmerica