Happy Holidays from Two Women & A Poodle!
We hope this finds you well and enjoying the Season. Don't forget to check out our revised Stand UP Speak OUT website at www.standupspeakout.com!
Everyone loves gifts, right? Mind if I tell you about some gifts I have received?
Although Dotti and I have chosen (like Diane Sawyer) to refrain from the whole Christmas gift giving thing, we do believe gifts are a good thing!
I have such fond memories of sitting at the dining room table, as a youngster, pouring over the Sears Wish Book, and literally writing pages and pages of items I wished to have. I always made sure to write the item description, the item number, the price, and the page number, so my parents, and/or Santa Claus would find it more convenient to make their purchases and wouldn't have to spend time trying to find the item and all that rigamarole.
One item I put on my Christmas list each and every year since I was about 8 maybe, was a mini-bike. When I got older, of course it progressed to a proper motorcycle! I've worked through it, but I must admit, I felt some disappointment for a great many years, when my two wheeled motorized vehicle never showed up. But wait, here's the good news... at the great age of thirty-seven, my wish finally came true. No, Santa didn't bring me a bike, but a nice little loan from Whatcom Educational Credit Union did! :) I don't care if it sounds materialistic, or frivolous, or crazy... but I really, really, really loved that bike, and I felt great joy while riding it. (In case anyone is interested, it was a gorgeous 2001 Yamaha V-Star 650.) To be honest though, my VERY BEST gifts ever, which also came to me in 2002, were my Beloved Spouse Dotti and Rylee Joy! Loving them and being loved by them brings me great joy and makes me very, very, very happy!
This, too, has been good year, with many wonderful gifts and opportunities to learn and grow beyond our wildest imagination. We enjoyed an incredible GISA journey around the country, we have wonderful new and old friends, we have good health, we have love... and we have a legal marriage certificate! :) Yippee!
Let me tell you about a really special gift I just received.
To give you a little context, on December 3rd, Dotti and I hosted the every-other-month family dinner. All of my mom's brothers and sisters (9 in all) and their kids, and their kids were all invited. None of my five uncles showed up. One lives in Guatemala, and that's a bit far for a family dinner. Another lives in Yakima, and with the mountain passes as snowy as they are, I wouldn't have encouraged that drive. Two others, that live fairly close by, had other plans, and couldn't make it. The last uncle didn't RSVP, nor did he come. He is the one I got the recent gift from. Having not seen him and his wife (or anyone else in the family) in about a year and a half, I sent them an email after the family gathering, simply saying that they were missed and we hoped to see them at Christmas. I got an email back from him a week later that read:
"We could have come to dinner on Sunday, but we weren't sure if we should. Although we love you, we believe that your relationship together, your marriage, and your travels for the purpose of promoting the acceptance of your gay lifestyle, are contrary to God's Word. I know that you both believe the opposite of that. We disagree. We have to follow what we believe is true. Therefore we cannot celebrate your marriage or your recent travels. So we decided to not come. I hope you understand."
I took a moment to feel the sting of his words. I'm not surprised by these words. I already knew that's how he and many others in my family feel. But to see it in writing seems to add an element of "ouch!" I felt especially discouraged and sad that after five years of me living authentic, nothing has changed in terms of my family's understanding and/or affirmation of who I am, or of my marriage to Dotti.
As we traveled throughout America, we met and had conversations with all sorts of people... from welcoming and affirming Bible scholars & ministers to religious folks who believe we are sick and sinful; from loving, supportive and celebratory PFLAG parents, to moms and dads who vehemently disagree with and refuse to accept their gay son's or lesbian daughter's orientation; from supportive people on a street corner who take a moment to say, "Thanks for what you're doing!", to Joe the Baptist in Columbia, Missouri, who got right up into Roby's face and angrily said, "You are an abomination and you're going to hell unless you change!" (Note of interest, the conversation with Joe ended up being empowering for all of us. We didn't change Joe's mind, we engaged Joe's heart & mind, which is the kind of stuff that creates change in the world through the expression of love!!!)
You know, it's interesting for me to realize that I could comfortably have authentic and empowering conversations with people of different opinions and beliefs, and not walk away feeling empty and disempowered, but when an email indicating a belief that who I am is not OK, comes to me from a family member, I have a meltdown!
Yes, I am still attached to a specific outcome, but ANCORA IMPARO... I am still learning! :)
Un-beknownst to him, my uncle gave the gift of helping me to realize the significance of, as Ashley Judd says, "What you think of me is none of my business!" :) My uncle gave me another opportunity to go deep within, to contemplate, to process the pain and sadness and to come out the other side realizing that I am OK... we are OK... with or without the support, approval, affirmation, or celebration from family. My uncle's gift has helped me to take one more step toward my own freedom from the grips of being attached to, and longing for a day that may or may not ever come... a day when my family might extend to Dotti and me the same kind of celebration that mixed-gender couples receive... and when they might come to a new understanding about who we are and reach out to us with extended arms... into which, we will run joyfully.
Speaking of gifts, Dotti and I really believe that we are gifts to our families. They don't realize it (yet), but we are. By living authentic and continuing to reach out in love, no matter what we get in return, we give them a gift that just may be the last nudge, the last opportunity that some may ever receive to embark on that journey to the place of new understanding. What our families don't realize, as hundreds of thousands of PFLAG parents all over the world would and DO attest to, is that coming to a new understanding about same-gender relationships, and becoming an ally, has been the greatest gift they have ever received, and their lives have been immeasureably filled with richness, joy, peace, love, fun, laughter and friendships... way beyond their wildest imaginations!
So, thank you, Dear Uncle, for the gift you have given me this Christmas. I now move forward this Holiday Season with peace, joy, empowerment and self-worth regardless of what you think of me. Your truth is your truth... it just doesn't happen to be the truth about me. I bless you on your journey.
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Great words from PFLAG Executive Director, Jody Huckaby: "The holiday season brings with it the wonderful (and often times challenging) gatherings of families and friends. Each of us can help to create hope this holiday season when, as parents, family members and straight allies, we make a concerted effort to be openly supportive of our GLBT loved ones through small but significant acts.
When our co-workers ask about our holiday plans, let’s be sure to purposefully talk about all of our loved ones, including those who are GLB and T, and their partners, families, and friends. And when we know that some of our family members who will be gathering together are less than understanding about GLBT issues, let’s not shy away from them. The best way to move equality forward is to help put these issues into a very personal context. So if you are GLB or T, take some time to help those more confused family members understand that the lack of equality you face every day does have a direct negative impact on you. I know it’s not always easy to engage your aunt Agnes on GLBT inequality while passing her the cranberry sauce, but if you don’t do it, who will?
We should not expect people to change their minds unless we give them reason to feel it in their hearts. And until that happens, we certainly cannot expect them to help advance GLBT equality in the voting booth. This holiday season provides ample opportunity for all of us to be more openly supportive of our GLBT loved ones and to live more openly as GLB and T people."
Thanks, Jody for those pearls of wisdom!
Happy Holidays, Love and Peace to you from Two Women & A Poodle...
Robynne, Dotti & Rylee Joy
